Life sucks: deal with it or death

Miss u all.
Love you all.
Sorry this is so short...

-Bailz-

In exactly six hours and ten minutes, school will be over for me!!!! This summer is going to be jam-packed with events; lots of parties, sleep-overs, movies, moving, swimming, and visiting with relatives! I'm gunna miss all u guys this summer (Darkgurl not included XD *rofl*), but I will be on every so often to write journals, leave notes, etc. I miss u guys already... :'(
Oh crap...
crying in the middle of school; I'm gunna smear my makeup, but u guys r worth it :)
I have 2 get going now, but if u go 2 Penguincute's page, she'll be (hopefully) giving updates on how I am and what I've been doing. K?
I love you all so much, and I'll see u guys in three months (maybe less).
Bye!!! :'(

-Bailee

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To my favorite person in the whole wide world!!!!!
Right now, I don't care who knows that we're together.
I want the WORLD 2 know!!!
I love you, and that's all that matters.
I just thought I'd take u on in a challenge;
who can be sexier WITHOUT sex... :D
U got some TOUGH COMEPETITON (me!!!)
R u up 4 the challenge?
in which case, GO!!!!!!

I feel happy now :)
Much better.
I've got everything I could ever want, and now I feel like my life is complete.
I just need u here... with me...
You know she doesn't even suspect a thing?
Its truly hilarious.
I feel like Romeo and Juliet. (ur Romeo of course :D )
No one can know about us.
*puts a finger 2 ur lips b4 kissing them*
No one.
Unless u want 2 tell Jessie... O_o
idk.
I just want us to be together; forever.
I'm certain. I've never been so sure that you are meant to be THE ONE.
You know I'm happy.
I hope you're happy 2.
Do you love me?
I love you.
It would be ULTRA SEXY if u proposed 2 me again...
PLZ!!!!!????
I mean, u, and me, fiances.
It makes my heart beat faster 2 think of me as urs.
I wish u were here...
Do u love me?
I love you... :)
It would ease all stress if u would kiss me.
I love you, and always will.
I never stopped loving u.
This summer is gunna be spacy, cuz I have no internet at  my house anymore :'(  so we can't talk anymore, like we use 2.
But I'm DETERMINED 2 find a way 2 talk 2 u, k?
I love you as much as one heart can bear.
I love you as much as God loves us.
I love you as you love me.
I have 2 go now, but I will hopefully talk 2 u later, k?
I love you so much...

*kiss on ur lips with tongue*

All my love,

-Bailee

All my friends at school hate me,
But I'm happy now.
My family doesn't understand me,
But I'm happy now.
I have you to thank for this happiness.
You ARE that happiness.
You know that.
I love you always.
I love you forever.
Don't leave me.
I've got you, and I won't let you go.
You are my everything, and I will follow you into the dark corners of your mind to make you happy because that's just who I am this week.

U know who u r, and just listen 2 "Sugar We're Going Down" and think of me.
We're suppost to be together... <3
I luv u.

All my love,

-Bailee

PS: I miss all of u guys so much :)

Don't start giving me shit becuz I haven't been on. My dad cut off our internet and I'm typing this from school. One of my best friends is mad at me cuz I chucked her headphones at her cuz I was crabby cuz I didn't get alot of sleep.

I miss u all so much. I'm so sorry that I haven't been on, and I won't be on very much anymore unless I'm at Leah's (penguincute) house. I'm so sorry... This really hurts.

I'm not ok. I've been crying so much and I'm always sick and I miss u guys so much. I'm not ok... :'(
I hope I get better soon, but right now I'm suffering and I miss u guys so much.

luv u all,

-Bailee

PS. I'll probably have Leah post alot of my stuff from now on, k?

I've been here for a while now
and I can't wait any longer
if you were really into me
wouldn't the connection be stronger?
I've been sitting here for forever now
and you don't wanna show your face
You know I love it when you talk back
but when you say nothing at all...?
I've been dying here for a while now
and you haven't come around
I want results, boy
and I just don't see them in you
Where are you?
Its been a while since I've seen your face
and when you've been gone
my heart has been breaking inside out
so as I let the water on my head
I have to think
The razor or the heartbreak?
I missed you
and you don't care
I kissed you
and you only stare
what's happened to us?
when we were kids
we never let go
we were together
and you promised me
we'd never leave each other
we'd be forever
together
but now...
where are you?
I'm still waiting
but I'm already dead.

The internet has been fixed!!!!
I missed all u guys so effin much!!!!
anywayz, I'm anxious. But I can only tell one person about it, and I've already told that person.
Sry.
I've been really emotionally deprived and full of pain lately. idk what it is. Maybe its salmonella. idk.
I've been eating alot of raw cookie dough, thinking it will humanize me.
like I said, idk.
But anywayz, I've been doing well, I guess. I mean, when I'm at school, I'm always smiling and happy.
But when I'm home, I'm always depressed, sad, miserable, and full of pain. I think its just how much I hate living in my house.
I'm glad we're moving soon... :)
Btw, GREAT news!!!!
WE'RE STARTING 2 BUILD OUR HOUSE THIS WEEK!!!!!!!
WEEEEE!!!!
That means I get 2 go carpet and paint shopping 4 my room!!!
I'm so excited. :DDDDDDDD :)
I've felt so out of touch with the world, cuz when my internet was down, so was my phone.
So I was completely cut off from the world. :(
But everything is great now.
I feel alot better.
I feel more confident, and happy at home now.
Just call me lucky 4 now.
I'm still anxious, but I'm sure I'll get over it.
Josh?
I'm still waiting 4 u 2 message me back.
:) No pressure, k?

I hope I'm not forgetting anything...
*thinks 4 a minute*
nope, I think that covers it :)
OH NO ITS NOT!!!!!
sry, I almost forgot!
Tonight (May 7, 2008) we're having... YUCK FEST!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so excited about it!!!
Anywayz, if u don't know what it is, I'll tell ya.
Its this sticky stuff that we throw at each other, and it gets mixed in with the mud and grass, and then we throw it at each other and smash it in each other's faces.
Its so much fun!!!!
This is the second time its happening, so its gunna be fun.
btw...
*smushes yuck in ur face*
have a great time without me tonight :)
LUV U ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

-Bailee

ps (sry about the yuck) :)

I'm writing this from school (as fast as I can) and I just wanted 2 tell u guys that I won't be on 4 a while cuz my internet is being retarded. I miss u guys so much. I'm sorry I haven't been here 4 u guys, but just remember that I luv u all and care alot about u (Josh, Letty, Cassie, Rachel, and Aly :) etc. ) I hope we fix it soon, and then we'll party ;)

Here r some personal notes just 4 u guys:

Josh: U've been my best friend 4 the longest time, it seems like more than five months. I will always love u, and I hope that you love me 2. I care about u lots, and I hope u had fun at the beach. Stay safe, and we'll talk later, k? Luv ya my baby boy :) *a million hugs*

Letty: I've grown close 2 u in a short ammount of time. I hope u don't miss me 2 much, and I hope u're staying strong like I asked. Remember don't cut urself (PLZ!!!!!) and don't u dare try and take ur life. People love you, and u just gotta say that someday everything will be better. I love you alot, and I hope u have fun with ur friends.

Cassie: I'm sorry I haven't been online alot. I think of u everytime I hear the song "Cassie" by Flyleaf. I'll make sure my dad fixes the internet, and then we'll talk some more when he's asleep, k? I luv ya alot. Miss u 2.

Rachel: You know ur my world. I love u til the end of time. *a million kisses*

Aly: THANK U!!!!!!!


LUV U ALL!!!!

-Bailee Boo

You may not realize it, but:

*I love your laugh

*I love your smile

*I love your opinions

*I love your words

*I love your heart

*I love you

always.

You may never guess it.
You may not even suspect.
But I'll always love u.
U know that.
I know that.
We know that.
But sometimes I feel like u want me back.
Its hard 2 stand still.
Its hard not 2 go with you.
But I have 2 remain by my decision.
I hate 2 keep bringing this back up.
So let me finish with,
I love you Josh.

Its almost impossible 4 me 2 leave with all the really cool friends I've got ( u know who u r :D ).

Now, I've finally figured out what's wrong with my internet.
It only works in the morning. (along with the phone). The phone and the internet don't work in the afternoon cuz there's no dial tone. :(
So if u can, try and send everything near the morning hours of central time. :) its much appreciated.

I have 2 tell you all what's up at my house:
I have slow internet (its dial-up), and I'm only allowed on the computer 4 1 hour and a half. So I'm pinched 4 time.
But, as u all know, 2 weeks ago I cut myself. (stupid mistake (forgive me)) and now my family knows. :(. I have 2 go 2 therepy on the 9th or 10th. I'm not looking forward 2 it tho...
So anyway, since all this has happened, my dad has banned me from talking 2 people that I do not know (personally). So, this pretty much applies 2 all of you guys :'(.
That's why I thought it was pointless to be on buzznet. But, I'll find a way 2 talk 2 all of you guys, k?
I WILL FIND A WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!


Love always,

-Bailee Boo

y? because its all because of one razor I'm not allowed 2 talk 2 anyone that I don't know personally.
I just had 2 tell someone that I cut myself ONCE. and now I'm paying for it. stupid ignorance...
So if I can't talk to anyone I don't know personally, I'm pretty much saying good fucking bye to the whole website.

:'(
I've been aching for the longest time, and I'm going to therepy some time soon...
This was entirely my fault. Josh, Cassie, Letty, and all those friends I've come so close to, I'm sorry that I have to leave you guys behind.
I wish this wasn't so, but my dad says so.
I'm so sorry that all of this was the cause of my selfish and retarded actions.
I'm so sorry.
I will never be able to say to you guys how truly sorry I am.
Just, don't forget about me, ok?
I need someone right now...
I feel so alone...
I won't be able to stop crying all day...
I miss you guys so much...
:'(

this is goodbye...


Forever in your heart,


-Bailee

You say I don't understand
BULLSHIT.
You say I can't feel your pain
YOU LIE.
You say I"M the horrible friend?
I've never done anything but HELP YOU.
And now you hurt me?
I don't believe you anymore.
You never did care.
You never trusted me for one moment.
You never did anything but USE ME.
Guess what?
I HATE YOU AS WELL.
NO, NOT FUCK ME,
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
What have you ever done for me?
nothing. You never cared.
I've never felt so insulted by one person's horribly incorrect accusations toward another friend of mine.
I never really liked you anyway.
You know what?
I was tired of it all.
It was a UNANIMOUS DECISION!!!!!!!!
We all agreed that you guys were spending a little to much time together.
And now look where its gotten you.
Congrats Karlie,
you've officially
PISSED OFF THE WRONG PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks alot, u bitch Vanessa.
You and I got along great at times, until my "annoying voice" got 2 loud and gave u a headache. No, it wasn't me. Maybe it was the sixteen different perfumes u wear and apply every 2 seconds.
Or maybe you just got jealous that I'm so flawlessly beautiful WITHOUT makeup :) (jk).
I'm just better than you, and you just can't accept it.

-Voices-

Why am I the voice
that no one wants to hear?
I'm just speaking everything I know
and everything you don't wanna hear.
I'm called the voice of reason
and I know what's best and right
I could mislead you with a lie
but that wouldn't set YOU straight.
Your pissed off because I'm better
because I'm everything you're not
because I can keep it in my pants
while the friction is red hot.
You brag each day
about a little tongue you share
but I call you a slut behind your back
this information I should share...
I'm not as kind as I look
or as I act to you
because when you prod me with your hate
will I pull out the claws
and rip you to shreds.
I hate it when you brag
because you're just proving my point
that you're everything I don't wanna be
because you won't be a virgin by 9th grade.
I wanna see u squirm
and watch you from up on top
watch you struggle
with eight kids
and one big ho of a boy
you call your man
who couldn't take a pinch
much less a punch.
I'm everything you wish your were
so why are you staring?
You call ME the slut
and the bitch as well
call me up
and I'll fuck you up
show you what bi means.
Shove your face up close to mine
and I'll tear it apart
because I'm tired of all the shit
you put on my plate
so I'm dumping my meals
all over you
you stupid slut
you aweful whore
you daugher of a bitch
and every generation in between
I love to hate you
and never will stop
hating you.
Why am I the voice
no one wants to hear?

Silver trails
and silver linings
and I'm just the beginning
with the way
I'm riding on
the red wings of war
with a scream I won't let stop
just like the way
I'm always fighting a war
I know I'm going to lose
and its me against myself
its a tragity
I'm always writing
about the fighting
its a war
that I'm going to lose
by losing you
and losing everything I thought was right
like my heart
and my head
and everything I ever loved
But when I say I've never heard the beat
I mean I've never felt you up
and when I apologize for my absurd behavior
I'll also say your so foxy
Taking a dive into my life
and break your neck on the shallow bottom
of me
when you say I'm always honest
you mean when I'm lying
and when I say that I love you and you don't love me back
you know that I'm just dying
My enemies are on the line
and they're begging for me to stay
but all they want is their names in my will
and while I'm falling ill
I'm thinking back to all the autumn days
when you and me
were rolling in the leaves
and kissing in our tree fort
so once I'm gone
will you remember how I loved you
and how I wished to kiss your neck
like with every other day
the rain would fall
and the seperation killed us inside
but now I'm dying
because I've been wounded in the war
that I can't stop
between myself
and just can never seem to stop
someone needs to help me
but I'm far to gone
let your magic appeal
to another's likings
and I will hold you in my heart
as the thing that keeps me alive
even when I'm dead.

I'm the plague of heartache
and aching to get under your skin
To make you want to rip it out
and leave me to smile while I do business
There's a sweet ringing in your ears
that screams what not to do
but I silence your thoughts
with thoughts that make you cringe
Hold me high above your hopes
and bury me with your ambitions
as a reminder that I'm not what you want to be
and that I am what you are
I miss how you use to sing
and now all you do is cry
I once use to have a voice
now all I do is make it die
Someone stop me
someone love me again
I'm crippeling inside
and bleeding all i've ever had
No one's here to save me
I'm dying on the inside
I'm shining on the out
but aching on the in
God
why did you take me here
why don't you take me away
I'd give it all up
to be with someone
to be with the one
to be...alive
but I'm always killing what I've got
and when the doors start to close
I keep out the cold
with thoughts of you
but now you're gone
and I feel alone
and no one is here
to make me stop
to help me stop
to help me
to all those I've killed in the process
of seeking you
I'm sorry
that you had ever laid eyes on one
who never would love again
and who would always be locked inside her own prison
with white walls of pain
and black nails of poison
so when you caressed me
I wished to do it back
but I'm the poison
for an ever lasting death
and the tonic
to all that ails you
bury me with all your dreams
so I can sleep
with everything I know you are
but you wish you were
I know its you
and I believe
that one day
you'll come back for me
but I don't have much time
to live in the moment
so hold me to your heart
as I put a bullet in mine
I love you always
and will keep you as my
number one with a bullet
and keep you as
the sweetest dream I've ever had
I will
always
love you
my dearest kisser
my sweetest wisher
my always kind
my instant rewind
of everything I've ever loved
and every time I've ever bled
I love you,
my bloody lover.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till u finally see
That u belong with me
U might think I don't look
But deep inside
In th corner of my mind
Am attached 2 u
Am weak
It's true
Cuz am afraid 2 know th answer
Do u want me 2?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster
I've waited all my life
2 cross this line
2 the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time 2 try
Anything 2 b with u
All my life I've waited
This is true
U don't know what u do
Everytime u walk in 2 th room
Am afraid 2 move
Am weak
It's true
Am just scared 2 know th ending
Do u see me 2?
Do u even know u met me?
I've waited all my life 2 cross this line
2 th only thing that's true
So I will not hide
Its time 2 try anything 2 b with u
All my life I've waited
This is true
I know when I go i'll b on my way 2 u
Th way tha'ts true
I've waited all my life 2 cross this line
2 th only thing that's true
So I will not hide
Its time 2 try anything 2 b with u
All my life I've waited
This is true

I'm not gunna say it again.
I was foolish.
Childish.
Imbicilic.
To say it.
Forgive me.
I want to live again.
and I'm alive when I'm with you.
Remember me.